


Flower

by Anonymous



Category: CLAMP - Works, Tokyo Babylon
Genre: Gen, M/M, Social Issues, Subaru-kun in New Jersey, “Missing” Manga Chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 04:18:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10180511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: So much of everything is lost…Before we even begin to FLOWER.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2000.
> 
> Dedication: To Natalie. You brought Subaru to NJ first. Also dedicated to Donna. Wherever you are, I hope you’re still smiling. Lots of love to both. ^_^

1 **flow** · **er**   _n_ **1a:** BLOSSOM, INFLORESCENCE  **b:**   a shoot of the sporophyte of a higher plant that is modified for reproduction and consists of a shortened axis bearing modified leaves  **c:**   a plant cultivated or esteemed for its blossoms   **2a:** the best part or example  **b:** the finest most vigorous period  **c:** a state of blooming or flourishing

2 **flower**   _vi_ **1:**   to produce flowers: BLOSSOM  **2a:**   DEVELOP (~ _ed_ into young womanhood) **b:**   FLOURISH  ~ _vt_ **1:**   to cause to bear flowers   **2:**   to decorate with floral designs

 

So much of everything is lost…

Before we even begin to FLOWER.

***

All was quiet that spring night.  Only the melodious chirps of the crickets and cicadas and one call of a night owl broke the peaceful silence of a town at rest.  The face of the full moon bore witness to a short street, much like any other, the houses lined neatly in two straight rows, the gardens carefully tended and just beginning to bloom.  Here lay a girl’s pink tricycle with a small bell tied to the left handle with a white ribbon.  There lay a baseball cradled in the palm of a new leather mitt.  Over there, a beautiful red rosebush and a rusted garden spade.  The moon shined benignly also upon a small, two-story house with pristine white shingles and black shutters, bathing it in ghostly light.  It bathed the face of a girl, barely six, standing at the open window, the only one who remained awake at midnight.

_Why, mother?  Why did you leave me?  Why wouldn’t you stay?_

Tears spilled from the endless ocean of her eyes and became a sheen of silver on her cheeks in the moonlight.

_I’m alone.  I’m afraid.  Why did you have to go?_

She spun around away from the window an doubled over, gasping silently at the waves of pain that arose from the depths of her stomach and radiated out along her limbs.  Her eyes and mouth flew open as the agony flowered upon her face.  A long, silken waterfall of auburn hair fell into her twisted expression, obscuring it from the ghostly moonlight.

 _Oh, it hurts…it_ hurts _!_

Delicate, white hands rose to the sides of her face, brushing back hair from her eyes.  She clutched her own head desperately, trying hard to still her trembling and quiet her sobs.

_Why didn’t you take me?  Why did you leave me behind?_

Then, surrendering to the intensity of her emotion, the child began twisting and thrashing about, her small fingers tearing furiously at skin and hair.

_I can’t stand it!  I can’t!!!!_

Her attacks upon herself became increasingly violent, and soon there was blood under her nails and long strands of hair caught between her fingers.  She began throwing herself against the wall, beating at the plaster until it began to crack and stomping upon the floor until her feet were red and raw.  Finally, she collapsed to floor, so choked up from loss and rage that she could not breathe.  In a dizzy haze, she gasped for breath until it came again.  Though the tears never stopped falling, with clean air came a measure of calm.

One thought swept away all others as it formed in her young mind.

_I…I…don’t want to live.  I can’t live.  Let me die._

With newfound resolve, she stood.  Then, shaking so terribly that she seemed in danger of collapsing to her knees once more, she stepped closer to the window and sat on the ledge.  It was not a large window, but it was more than large enough to permit her small body passage through it.  She closed her eyes against the pure light of the moon and allowed herself to fall forward.  Even at her age, she was beautiful, her face rounded and elegant, clean and symmetrical.  Her white cotton nightgown, glowing with silver light, rose about her small body like the wings of a dove…or a falling angel.  There was no pain at all, just the gentle caress of the air that rushed past her, a moment of sublime freedom that enveloped the girl and lasted an eternity.  She did not even feel the sting of the tree branches that broke her fall or the sharp, stripped branch that pierced her.

“Mother…”

They found her the next day, lying with her back upon a branch, suspended five feet above the ground.  The branch rose out of her stomach, a gruesome, bloody impalement, the red in sharp contrast to the white of her nightgown and the blended white of the fresh dogwood.  She lay in state in this bower, as if asleep.  The ancient dogwood tree below the third-story window had saved the young girl’s life…but, it didn’t matter.  Her mind and had closed, and her heart had been emptied. 

There was no one to grieve her loss.

There was no one to remember her.

And red drops of blood and white petals fell to the ground—deafening tears and a silent scream.

***

“Subaru!”

“Hey, Subaru!”

A filmy whirl of green and red gauze swirled heedlessly into a very empty apartment.

“Subaru!  Where are you?  We were supposed to go visit Seishiro-san at the hospital, today!  I even made some of my famous cookies.  C’mon, Subaru, where are you hiding?” 

Sighing, Hokuto Sumeragi glanced around the apartment once more and adjusted three of the plump, cloth apples bobbing from her costume.  As she dejectedly stepped back to leave, she noticed a small piece of paper lying on a nearby table. 

“What, a letter for me?”

Hokuto quickly tore though the envelope and hurriedly read the contents of the letter addressed to her.  “Subaru, what are you up to—,” she mumbled as her eyes scanned though the letter.

After rereading the letter once, twice, and a third time, Hokuto’s gaze rose to stare off into the distance.  Her emerald eyes clouded over with tears silvery tears.  “Oh, Subaru, I hope you find what you’re looking for…

“Oh, but what am I doing?” the impish Sumeragi sternly reprimanded herself with a quick shake of her raven-haired head that shook the stray moisture from her eyes.  “I’m happy for you, little brother.  Yes, I am.”  Hokuto nodded her head decisively, and, clutching the letter tightly to her breast, she burst out of the front door of Subaru’s apartment.  As a tiny felt leaf fluttered, forgotten, behind her, her voice could be heard wondering in mingled bemusement and respect, “But…New Jersey?  Isn’t that a little far…?”

***

Newark International Airport, the travel hub of the state of New Jersey, renowned for its rather infamous location, its air-traffic congestion, and its non-stop crowd.  People milled about in all directions, sometimes eagerly greeting each other, sometimes speaking regretful, sad farewells, but for the most part brushing past each other as if no one but themselves existed in the world.  Certainly, they did not see the emerald-eyed Japanese boy that clutched his silk-lined hat nervously as he cleared customs and entered the United States.

In a bit of daze, the young Sumeragi spun around the expanse of Newark International Airport, feeling out of place and woefully short.  He could barely see over the shoulders of most of the people there, and he could do nothing but follow as the swaths of people (and one woman in particular wearing a bright red wool overcoat huffing indignantly to a companion, “Sharing a runway with Continental indeed!  Humph!  Nothing like circling Newark for thirty minutes with a window seat!!”) herded him along the substantial journey toward the luggage carousels.

Luckily, his bag was one of the first to appear.  Stepping carefully between two people who failed to notice his soft apologies, Subaru grabbed the handle of his bag and lifted if off the carousel, breathing a sigh of relief as he did so.  He still remembered the last time he had taken a trip to Okinawa with Hokuto a few summers ago.  He had sprained his wrist and dislocated a hip on the first day from carrying her bags around.  He loved his sister dearly, but her need to be prepared with at least three clothing options for every conceivable occasion, even for a vacation only a week long, irked Subaru to no end.  In fact, it was downright painful at times, as he had discovered the hard way, of course.

Memories of his trips with his twin occupied his thoughts all the way to the taxi that was waiting patiently for him.  As the driver helped him load his two small bags into the back trunk, Subaru mentally reprimanded himself.  _I really shouldn’t be so harsh on her.  She’s more resourceful that I’ll ever be.  It’s just that sometimes her resourcefulness overwhelms her practicality.  Perhaps I—_

“Well, get on in,” said the taxi driver, ushering Subaru into the backseat. “Morristown, right?” the man shouted, twisting around as he climbed into the driver’s seat.

“ _Sou desu ne_ …” Subaru hesitated as he gathered his thoughts, hurriedly trying to summon up his years of English classes at the CLAMP Academy.  “ _Anou_ …If you would be so kind as to take me there, I would like to go to the Seeing Eye, please.”

“Where’s that?” the driver queried as he started the car, audibly nonplussed by the stiff formality of Subaru’s language.  “Listen buddy, I can’t take you somewhere I don’t know unless you tell me where it is…”

“Oh, well…I have directions if that pleases you,” Subaru assured the man hurriedly as he fished around in his pockets for a computer printout.  “Ah, here it is.”  He handed the crumpled paper to the driver with an automatic bow…though he was able to bite back the accompanying reflex “ _Douzo_ ” before it slipped from his tongue.

The taxi driver held the paper close to his face and squinted for a moment.  “Hey, you’ve got nicer handwriting than me!”  Momentary silence, and then,  “Oh, heh, it’s typed.”

Subaru felt his heart rate go up a notch.  “Sir, are you sure…”

“Hmph.  That was a joke,” the man interrupted with smirk.   “Let’s see…Washington Valley outside of Morristown, eh?  Hmm.  Looks like it’s going to take about a thirty minutes.  If we don’t hit any traffic.  The meter’s gonna be running.  That okay with you, huh?”  The driver clipped the paper to small pin above the radio and, seeing an opening in the traffic of his rearview mirror, stomped hard on the gas. 

“Yes.  Thank you very much.”  Subaru could help but feel a few butterflies in his chest as he zoomed out of Newark Airport.

***

“So, you’re from Japan, eh?  That’s quite a long way from home.”  The taxi driver, who had introduced himself as Mike once they had pulled onto Route 78, whistled briefly.

He was an older man, the rough skin of his face spotted lightly with blemishes the color of weak tea.  His face drooped a bit, but most of the lines on his face were around the eyes and the forehead…testament to both the joys and sorrows he had seen in his life. 

“Yes, that’s right.”  Subaru nodded.

“Can’t imagine why you’re coming here.  Not even peak season or holiday.  Isn’t that much to see, if I do say so myself.  Especially in early spring.  Maybe fifty years ago, yeah, but now?  It’s pretty much crumbled by now.”  Mike took a swig from the large Dunkin’ Donuts coffee mug that rested in a holder beside his right hand.

Abruptly, the taxi lurched to a stop, and, over the shoulder of the front seat, Subaru could see a sea of automobiles idling on the incline ahead of them.  “Looking like some traffic up ahead, there.  Maybe an accident or something.  This might take awhile.”  Mike paused and, leaning over, shuffled a bit around the floor.  “Hey, wanna read something to keep you busy.”  A crumpled copy of the Union County Edition of the _Star Ledger_ got waved in Subaru’s direction.  The headlines looked perhaps a week old.

“Ah, no thank you,” Subaru replied.

“Sure.  No prob.”  Mike tossed the newspaper onto the passenger seat.

The traffic was stop-and-go for the next ten minutes with no signs of letting up.  The taxi was comfortably silent, though every once in awhile Mike would take a loud sip of his coffee or grumble impatiently under his breath.  Then, suddenly, he addressed Subaru directly, motioning to his left with the mug, “See that old building over there?”

Subaru glanced quickly out of the window.  There was indeed a rather large building set off a little from the highway, but, even upon the cursory inspection that the distance and the slowly-moving vehicle allowed him, he was sure that it was no longer put to use by anyone, except maybe the occasional bird, mouse, insect, or bat.  “Yes, I see it.  What is it?”

“That _was_ an old cookie factory.  Shut down after the wax at a nearby candle factory caught fire about thirty years ago or so.  Even though the cookie factory wasn’t damaged by fire, they said there was a lot of smoke damage to the stockpile of perishable ingredients that they stored there.  Some expensive losses.  The company was already hard-up, and it couldn’t afford to keep the factory open after that.  Went bankrupt only a few weeks after the fire.”  The taxi driver shook his head and sighed softly in nostalgia.  “I remember eating those things when I was a kid.  They made damn good butterscotch cookies, too.  Sticky and sweet and pretty cheap.  Perfect for the little ones.  Never had better before or since.”

Blinking, Subaru opened his mouth soundlessly, not quite certain what to say.  The traffic crawled past the former factory.

The driver was silent was well for a moment, but then he ran his hand though his hair and reached for his coffee mug to take another sip.  As he put the cup back into the holder, he remarked, “I used to live around here, as a matter of fact.  Right down the way, less than a mile from the candle and cookie factories.  Sometimes, when the wind was blowing just the right way, you could smell the baking.  That was the best advertising in the world, I say.”

Subaru smiled at the misty tone of pleasant reminiscence in Mike’s voice.  “It sounds very nice,” he agreed.

“Oh, it was, it was.  You know, I heard that there was another cookie factory that was considering taking over the old factory and updating it to their current needs.  But, they decided not to establish a branch in New Jersey.  I think they built themselves a new factory out in the Midwest somewhere.”

“Umm…why not?  Wouldn’t it be easier just to move into a building that is already built?”  Subaru forehead crinkled in confusion.

Mike simply shrugged.  “Probably.  But, well…New Jersey being New Jersey, after all…”

“I am very sorry, but I do not understand…”

“Aw, look at that!” Mike shouted, cutting Subaru off mid-sentence.  Subaru noticed that the traffic had abruptly broken up, and the only thing that could possibly have marked its passing was a well-marked State Trooper car.  “Just a bunch of incompetent assholes rubbernecking.”  Subaru felt a surprising rush of relief as they began riding on open road again, though he spent a few minutes imagining the meaning of “rubbernecking.”

Inevitably, though, Subaru’s mind returned to Mike’s strange comment about New Jersey.  “Excuse me,” he bravely addressed the driver.  “What did you mean by ‘New Jersey being New Jersey?’ ”

“Huh?  What?  Oh, right.  Well, New Jersey is kind of past its prime, if you catch my meaning.  There were a lot of really prosperous factories here in the first half of this century, like when I was young, but, nowadays, they mostly look like the one we just passed—unoccupied and crumbling.  That kind of thing sets a precedent, you know, and who wants to start something new in a place that’s already mostly dead?  Bad vibes.  Too much like tempting fate, eh?”

Subaru met the stare of his own emerald eyes as he watched the landscape pass through the car window.  “I do not think that is right.  That new cookie factory’s presence could only enliven the area and supply new jobs.  And, being successful in a place that others thought previously unacceptable would change minds.  More companies would decide to come to New Jersey, too, and the area would become a prosperous one, again.”

Mike shook his head and tilted his gaze so that he could see Subaru and his reflection though his rearview mirror.  “I sure wish you had been around to tell them that.  Not that they would have listened, though.”  Then, his eyes slipped away, and he downed the rest of his coffee as they swung around the exit ramp at a decidedly uncomfortably high speed.

The view changed gradually to trees, rocks, and brush.  Lovely but somehow foreign to the _onmyouji_ in an irrational way that he could not articulate.  Mostly, the branches of the trees were still bare, brown and dead.  Nonetheless, every once in awhile, Subaru thought he saw a pastel flower or a delicate, yellow-green bud on a tree.  Once, he saw a female white-tailed deer and two fawns grazing upon the sparse greenery just now poking out of the ground.  The mother deer glanced at Subaru with her unfathomable yet compassionate black eyes, and Subaru nodded, though whether it was to the deer or to Mike’s words, he did not know.

***

Mike had turned abruptly to the right, leaving the tree-lined road behind for a narrow avenue cutting across an open field.  Subaru felt his heart flutter a bit in anticipation as he admired the new grass just beginning to grow full.  After what felt like an entire life and rebirth, the taxi slowed to a stop in front of an elegant red brick building with simple but stately lines.

“We’ve arrived,” said Mike, braking and then getting out of the taxi to open the passenger door for Subaru.  Feeling a bit stiff after all the travel, Subaru stumbled out of the taxi and stretched, arching his back and locking his arms forward.  His muscles start to relax and loosen, and he sighed happily.  _Finally—_

“Well, that looks like it.”  Mike dropped Subaru’s suitcase beside him.

Subaru jumped and then shame-facedly, eyeing the luggage on the ground, realized that the taxi driver had unpacked for him.  “Ah, I’m sorry…I should have done that myself…umm…thank you very much—”  Avoiding eye-contact, Subaru riffled through his bags for a moment for the money to pay the driver, along with a generous tip.

“No problem at all,” Mike interrupted, shrugging and pocketing the proffered money.  “Just a part of the job.”  Then, grinning lopsidedly, Mike gave Subaru a short, two-fingered salute.  “It’s been a pleasure talking to you.  Take care.  Hey, I hope you find what you’re looking for, here.”

Blinking in surprise at the taxi driver’s depth of perception, Subaru murmured after a long pause, “I hope so, too.  Thank you very much for your trouble.”  He bowed in return.

Shaking his head Mike turned to get back into the driver’s seat of the taxi.  Subaru thought he heard him muttering, “Never been bowed to in my entire life…damn Japanese…something else…”  Soon, though, the taxi was out of sight.

Sighing, Subaru turned to face the brick building.  A woman who had not been there a second ago stood calmly at the doorway.  Subaru felt taken slightly taken aback at her sudden appearance.  She was an older woman, dressed in a cheerful day dress with a floral print colored pastel blue and green, in a manner popular during the springtime.  Her shoulder-length silver hair curled scrupulously into gentle waves that framed a face that, from the distance between them, seemed rigidly closed and remote.  Feeling a bit awkward and apprehensive at confronting this grand, intimidating lady, Subaru slowly approached the woman.

As he came to a stop in front of her, the woman turned to face the young Sumeragi with a stern expression.  “Are you the visitor from Japan?” the woman queried without pretense.

“…Yes, I am.”  Slightly flustered, Subaru bowed.  “A pleasure to meet you.”

The woman’s face didn’t flicker at the formal greeting, and her luminous, azure eyes didn’t quite meet his.  Instead, they focused slightly to the left over his shoulder.  Nonetheless, her expression softened when she heard his voice, becoming animating with surprise and wholly unexpected sweetness.  “Why, you’re just a boy,” the old woman marveled, revealing a smile that deepened the wrinkles around her eyes pleasantly.  “I’m sorry, I had no idea that our guest for today was a person so young!”

 _Of course!_ Subaru realized belatedly.  _This woman is blind!  I didn’t even realize!_   Her elegant, even fearsome poise and grace had been deceptive, and Subaru wondered idly for a moment after overcoming his automatic feelings of embarrassment how many others had been fooled in the way that he had been.

_Amazing!  What marvelous control of herself and how others see her, even when she cannot look at herself in the mirror!  How many years of practice, of self-knowledge, could such posture have taken?!_

Shaking his head ruefully, Subaru reminded himself, _I’m at the Seeing-Eye after all.  Of all places, here, I shouldn’t be surprised._

“Ah, please forgive me,” the woman continued apologetically.  “My name is Gloria Thomas.  I’m to be your tour guide today.”  Subaru watched her expression stiffen slightly in a manner which he now realized was her professional, public persona.  “Welcome to the Seeing-Eye.  Please come this way.”  She opened the door for Subaru to enter before her.

“Thank you very much, Thomas- _san_ ,” Subaru said softly to his tour guide as he stepped though the doorway.

“Oh, just call me Gloria,” she replied shortly, following closely behind him.

***

“The Seeing-Eye began in February of 1929 in Nashville, Tennessee with a class of two.  In 1931, it moved to the area around Morristown and has been here ever since.  It’s had thousands of students since those first two.”

“However did someone think of the idea of using dogs to help the blind ‘see’?” asked Subaru leaning forward over his cup of coffee to sit closer to Gloria.  The two had ended up in a lounge after the tour of the facilities, sipping hot coffee and engaged in earnest discussion.

“Well, the founder, Dorothy Harrison Eustis, wasn’t the first to train dogs to lead the blind.  Now, she was from Philadelphia originally, but she was living in Switzerland in the post World War I period.  There, she saw German Shepherds being trained to lead war veterans who had been injured and subsequently lost their vision.  She wrote an article in _The Saturday Evening Post_ about it.  A blind man in Tennessee named Morris Frank heard about the article and wrote Eustis and asked her to train him to work with a dog.  He told her that he wanted to prove to the world that blind people had all the potential and skill of people who could see.  He said that he would show them that they don’t have to be dependent on others and can live the life that they want.  So, Eustis agreed and moved back to the United States.

“Since then, the organizations like the Seeing-Eye have sprouted up all over the US and around the world…but the See-Eye was the first…and still the best.”  Gloria smiled, obviously proud of the charity that had both employed and liberated her.

“I’m proof of that,” she affirmed, patting herself gently on the breast.  “Look at me, seventy-eight years old and blinded with glaucoma when I was only six.  I grew up an outcast of the world.  While other girls were going to parties and dances and walks on the town, I was a prisoner in my own home.  The world outside was a place that I couldn’t see.  I thought I would never live to be a part of it. 

“My parents were loving, and they tried to be accommodating.  My father put up handrails along the walls and kept the furniture in the house to a minimum.  My mother read books and newspapers to me whenever she could.  Everyone made sure that there were no stray sharp edges that I could stumble upon.

“It was inescapable, though:  I was lonely.  No one came to visit; none of my parents’ friends wanted to have to look at the poor, shuffling blind girl.  I couldn’t go to school, so I never played with friends my age.  No games of ‘house’ or ‘dolls’ or pure imagination.  As a teenager, I had no female friends to gossip with, no male acquaintances to swoon over.  My life was stagnant.  I faced every day with the prospect that today would be just like yesterday and tomorrow would be just like today.  It was like I was this flower that had died on the stem without even blooming.

“But I longed for freedom more than anything else in the world.  I’d sit in front of the window in my bedroom, wondering at the strange sounds that I could hear coming from the people on the street, the laughter, the activity.  There were times when I’d open up the window and lean out, feeling the wind on my face, and wondering if I would die if I let myself fall out the window.  If the drop was high enough.  I’m ashamed to think of it, that I would consider taking my own life.  But, it happened, quite a bit.

“When I was nineteen, the Seeing-Eye came to our area.  We’re a Morristown family and have been since colonial times, but we weren’t all _that_ wealthy, things considered.  Yet, the Seeing-Eye trained a beautiful Golden Retriever for me and trained me to handle him.  His name was Oro.  I’ll never, ever forget him.  We battled the streets together, he and I.  Oro was right there at my side we I took my first evening stroll though Main Street.  He was lying at my feet when I shared my first kiss with Jonathan, my husband of fifty-three years.  We were such a great team that the Seeing-Eye asked me to become a trainer myself.  I’ve been with the organization since then.”

Subaru’s eyes rounded, and he felt his fingers tighten around his cup of coffee in excitement.  “Wow!  Incredible!  So you have basically been with it since it began?  There must have been so many changes that you have seen over all of those years—Ah!” Subaru clapped his hands over his mouth as he realized his perhaps unwise use of verbs.  “ _Anou_ … _etto_ …I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…I wasn’t…”  Finally, he clamped his mouth shut to prevent any more stuttering.

Glora made a swift negating motion with her hand.  “No, don’t worry about it.  I know exactly what you mean.  Yes, I have _seen_ so many changes over the years.”  Settling herself more securely into the velvety sofa cushions, she reflected.  “The most important, I think, has been public acceptance.  Morristown has grown around us and accommodates us wonderfully; we do our on-site training in the city.  It provides an excellent array of situations and yet is not so big that our trainees become overwhelmed.  And then there is the new law.  Oh, we fought for that one for so long.  They call it the ‘Americans with Disabilities Act.’  A federal law to combat the discrimination of all disabled people, including blind people.  Most importantly, it allows our dogs into _any_ public facility—restaurant, store hotel, train, it doesn’t matter.  No more “No Pets Allowed” when it comes to the dogs because those dogs are considered a necessary part of that person, as much as a wheelchair for a person who cannot walk.  If it is open to the general public, the blind person and Seeing-Eye dog must be allowed in.

“It’s a wonderful, wonderful thing, and I’m glad to say that I’ve been a part of it.”  Gloria paused for a moment and took a sip of her coffee.  Then, musing, she murmured earnestly, “It’s funny, you know.  Even though I can’t remember what flowers look like and never saw the golden coat that Oro was named after, I really do believe I have seen them.  I see them with my heart.  The blooming flower and my first very friend are both beautiful, beautiful things.  I’ll always cherish them.”

Shaking her head slightly, Gloria chuckled.  “I’m waxing poetical, today.  You certainly bring that out of me, Subaru.  I guess I’m feeling a sort of proprietary pride in it all.  The Seeing-Eye gave me my independence.  With Oro, I stepped out of my prison and into society, and I never looked back save to share my experiences with others and save them from the living Hell of misery and exile that my life had been.”

The woman stopped speaking again and took another sip of coffee.  She and Subaru sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes.  Finally, Gloria, with a raised eyebrow, questioned, “So, Subaru, why exactly did you come here all the way from Japan?  I don’t recall you saying.”

Subaru scratched his head for a moment.  With a shock, he realized that he didn’t truly know himself!  He had acted on a gut feeling, a vague, unfocused desire to come to this place and learn what it had to teach him.  And, he didn’t want to face Seishiro quite yet.  There was still something that he needed to know.  Still, he tried to answer Gloria the best that he could.  “I met a blind man in Japan.  He had a guide dog, and he told me a bit about your organization.  He talked about his difficulties and limitations in Japan.  I was wondering what it was like here, at the source of this sort of philanthropy.  There is a lot of discrimination against disabled people at home.  There is no law to protect them, either.  So, I guess…that is to say…I came here for…hope…”  Subaru tapered off to a stop, floundering and finding himself unable to tell this gracious, dignified old woman about his shameful, buried feelings for Seishiro.

Nonetheless, Gloria was nodding her lovely eyes brilliant and clear.  “Flowers will always bloom where—”

“ _GRANDMA!!!!!!!!_ ” A gleeful, childish shriek interrupted Gloria in mid-sentence.

She barely had time to put down her coffee before one blonde-haired, boy with eyes strikingly like Gloria’s hurled himself into her arms.  Laughing, the two hugged.  “What have we here!” exclaimed the elderly woman in mock astonishment.  “Who in the world could be jumping up and down on my poor old body?”

“Don’t be silly.  It’s Tim, remember?”  The boy scolded, sliding off of her lap to stand beside her.  “And Dad’s here too.”

A tall man with soft, curly brown hair walked into the lounge.  He smiled at the sight of his family together and stepped forward to the head of the couch to embrace Gloria.  “How you doing, Mom?”

“As well as ever,” Gloria replied merrily.  “Now, Tim, of course I remember who _you_ are!  However could I forget?”  She ruffled his hair tenderly.

Turning her unfocused eyes to the slight opening right at the center of Subaru’s mouth, Gloria indicated the two new arrivals.  “Subaru, this here is my son, David and my grandson, Timothy.  Dave, Tim, this is Subaru Sumeragi.  Subaru’s come all the way from Japan to visit the Seeing-Eye!  Isn’t that incredible?!  Subaru, David works as a trainer here at the Seeing-Eye.  He replaced me after I retired to doing tour duty a few years ago.  If I do say so myself, he’s one of the best we’ve got.”

“If you say so, Mom,” David acquiesced humbly to the praise.

“Just a chip off the old block,” Gloria continued cheerfully.

Her son merely blushed bright red and hurriedly extended a hand to Subaru.  A new experience for Subaru, he hesitated a little before shaking hands with the man.  His hand was warm and dry.

Gloria regarded the two with her hand against her cheek and then asked her son,  “David, you’re going to be taking Max out today, right?”

“Yeah, just a short test run.  Nothing major.”

Clapping her hands together in delight, she turned to Subaru.  “Hey, Subaru, David is here to take one of the dogs for a little training session in town.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you tagged along, as long as you promise not to distract the dog and to stay out of trouble.”

“I would be honored,” Subaru returned, his surprise and joy apparent upon his radiant face and in the quiver of his voice as he spoke.

“Well, then,” said David.  “The van is outside.  Tim will show you.  I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”  He shooed his son.  “Go on.”

“You betcha!” Tim told his father, giving the older man a thumbs-up.  “C’mon, Subaru, I’ll show you the way.”

***

David skillfully parallel-parked the van along the shoulder of a busy street.  Silently, Subaru, Tim, David, and the dog, Max, piled out and onto the sidewalk.  Max was already in his harness and ready to get down to business.

Morristown was abuzz today, celebrating an annual spring festival.  The sidewalks were crowded with people milling about in all directions, and there was cheerful music in the air.  David pivoted on his heel and took quick stock of the surroundings.  “Max is advanced in his training,” David explained to Subaru, the professional trainer in him overwhelming his quiet, unimposing manner, “and almost ready to be paired off.  However, he really hasn’t had any high-density crowd training, and I thought today would be a good opportunity for it.  I want to see how he takes it.”

“I see,” Subaru nodded and studied Max’s face.  The black Lab stood calmly, looking serene and utterly oblivious to his fast-approaching trial by fire.  A handsome dog, Max’s body was softly rounded and nicely toned.  Floppy ears curled around a decidedly narrow face for a Lab that gave him an expression of focused but benevolent determination to perform.  He was a young dog with not a hint of gray in his fur, and his black coat was so shiny that it shimmered iridescent in the sunlight.

As the afternoon wore on, Subaru found himself more and more impressed with Max’s performance in particular and the incredible potential that Seeing-Eye dogs represented in general.  It was absolutely amazing how much the dog could be taught to recognize.  To obey commands without hesitation and yet to obey them _intelligently_ —not to cross the street in the face of oncoming traffic, even if so ordered, and move only when the path is clear.  To recognize danger and stop, blocking the blind person’s forward movement with its own body.  To keep always in mind not just the dog’s own body space but the human master’s as well, so as not to lead him under low-hanging branches of a tree that might knock into his head and injure him.  And so forth.

The process of training was so obviously complicated, yet the results were undeniable.  Max seemed like a consummate professional, walking briskly and smoothly, not stopping to investigate intriguing smells or other dogs, as dogs are admittedly wont to do.  No begging or wandering or pulling overzealously on the harness, either.

In fact, Max didn’t seem to notice the talkative little boy trailing at times in front of him, at times in back, at all, and the boy, in turn, took little notice of Max.  Subaru was far more interesting to Tim.  “So, Subaru, isn’t your name the name of a car company?” the boy asked innocently, the nth question of a long string of questions the boy had been firing at Subaru ever since they had arrived. 

“Yes, it is,” Subaru affirmed.  “The Subaru car company is Japanese, and I’m Japanese too, so it makes sense that we would share names.”

Tim nodded, quickly absorbing the explanation and continued on to his next question.  “Do you like videogames?  I _love_ videogames!  I _rock_ at _Super Mario Bros. 3_ …”

“Honestly, I don’t have much time for them, but my sister Hokuto loves them.  She’s really good at them, too.”

“You have a sister?”

“That’s right.  Hokuto is my twin sister.”

“A _twin_ sister?!  That’s so _cool_!!!”  Tim skipped along eagerly beside Subaru.

“Yes, she is a really fun, amazing, caring person.”  Subaru smiled as he reflected on his sister briefly.  _I wonder what she is doing now.  I hope she didn’t tell Seishiro-san about my decision to come to New Jersey_. 

“Hey, do you want to get ice cream?  Dad gave me money.”  Without waiting for a response, Tim grabbed Subaru’s hand and dragged him at a run toward a Good Humor ice cream vendor selling his wares along the sidewalk ahead of them.  Both quickly decided upon vanilla ice cream cones topped with chocolate and nuts. 

The vendor was just handing Subaru his cone when Max and David appeared from out of the crowd, and Subaru had a half second to think that Tim was holding his cone tipped really low and not paying the least bit attention to it when…

Chaos.

The ice cream vendor was gasping as he clutched he stomach in surprised laughter.  Tim was staring at his empty cone is mingled surprise and distress, just beginning to cry in outrage.  David had stopped and was shouting in stern and exaggerated anger at Max.  Max stood dejectedly and drooped with obvious guilt, ears held low and tail between his legs and the last of Tim’s vanilla ice cream a hint of white froth on his upper lip. 

Subaru blinked, trying to convince himself that he had actually seen what he thought he had seen. 

Apparently, Tim’s ice cream had been too tempting a treat for Max to pass up.  As he walked past, he had turned his head and bitten off the top of the cone in one bite, not even pausing to break his stride.  _I guess we’re not the only ones who like ice cream.  Max knew he wasn’t allowed to stop, but he couldn’t resist the temptation, so he just took one quick chomp as he went past!_

Recovering from his surprise, he laid his hand on Tim’s shoulder.  “Here, have mine, instead.”  Subaru handed the boy the other cone.

“Uhh…th…th…thanks,” Tim stuttered, ferociously trying to scrub his tears away.  “I’m…su…sorry, Subaru.”  He sniffled.

“I don’t mind.  Max was a worthy cause,” Subaru couldn’t help grinning, emerald eyes sparkling.  Subaru thought he saw Max’s heavy tail wag once with a soft thump, but he couldn’t be sure.

***

“Are you sure,” David asked Subaru again.  “We could take you to your hotel if you want.  It’s only a few blocks from here…”

“Yes, I’m sure.  Please don’t go out of your way.  You’ve been so generous with your time as it is.  I can walk there myself, and, besides, I’d really like to see the festival.”

“Well, if you say so…Those bags look kind of heavy…” David still looked uncertain, but he closed the rear door to the van. 

“Thank you very much.  I’ve really enjoyed myself today,” Subaru bowed.

“Sure.  Oh, yeah.  Sorry about the incident with the ice cream.  That really shouldn’t happen, you know.” David climbed into the driver’s seat and scratched his head.  “Hey, take care and feel free to visit at any time.”  Then, he shut the door, pulled out of the parking space, and drove away.  Subaru waved them down the street, and he could see Tim waving energetically from the rear window until they were out of sight. 

Upon closer inspection, however, the festival proved to be rather limited in its scope.  The hub of activity took place in a small park nestled in the unlikely, awkward pentagon formed from the intersection of five poorly-planned streets.  There were a few tents set up selling various merchandise like clothes, wind chimes, kites, and jewelry.  The focus of the festival seemed to be the various poetry readings, lectures, and performances that were occurring at specific times during the entire day on an impromptu stage set up in the center of the green.  A large number of people stood or sat on the grass around the stage their attention focused upon it. 

Subaru, too, felt his eyes drawn inexorably to the crowd gathered around the platform.  The person currently on stage seemed to be a singer or dancer of some type, and the young _onmyouji_ was just about to pass by when a sweet voice rose from the center of the gathered masses of people.

“Some people quietly reveal—”

“In the manner of the meek—”

The voice was beautiful, singing liquid and staccato notes with equal ease, and the aural appreciation of the audience was palatable in the air.  Subaru felt his feet plant themselves firmly on the ground of their own accord, restricting further movement away from the unseen singer.

“Some people shout the way they feel—”

“To a radical degree—”

Compounding insult with inconvenience, Subaru felt his feet moving toward the center of the platform taking him along with them.

“Oooh—oh—ooooh—ooh—ooooooh—”

Subaru thought he detected a note of deep, abiding sorrow in the haunting song.  It was impossible to determine whether the voice belonged to a man or a woman; it could well have been the song of some young god come to recently earth to share heavenly wisdom with mere mortals.

“Some people sing it to express—”

“While others hear another call—”

Subaru moved closer to the platform, politely weaving between the audience, who were too enraptured to notice the slim Japanese boy in their midst.  He and his feet were in complete agreement about their intended destination now, and he could almost see the performer…

“Some people speak with subtleness—”

“Some don’t rely on words at all—”

Then, she was _there_ , right before his eyes!

“But let me tell you ’bout one thing—”

“I know—”

“Everybody’s got a seed to sow!”

The owner of the voice was a tiny woman with boyishly cut auburn hair that shimmered red and gold in the filtered sunlight.  Her garment was simple and timeless, a white chemise with loose sleeves gathered at the wrists and a hemline that brushed her ankles.  Over that, she wore a pale yellow vest that fell almost to the length of the chemise and laced loosely closed beneath small, apple breasts.  Her face turned upward toward the sun; she sang without a microphone.

“Let your heart of hearts—”

“Take you down the road.”

“Everybody’s got a seed to sow.”

The woman threw the hands that had been pressed over heart up into the air, as if the miraculous fruit of seeds sown deep within her breast were rising upward toward the sun.

“We are all pieces of the whole—”

“With different feelings to evoke.”

Two children, one boy and one girl, stepped onto stage.  Both were dressed entirely and identically in white slacks and a black tee-shirt.  Both had pale gold hair.  Reaching upward, the girl took the woman’s left hand, and the boy took her right.  

“Giving distinction to the role—”

“Different players different strokes.”

Lowering her hands abruptly, to shoulder level, the fey woman and the two children whirled around the stage in a wild, chaotic dance.  If was as if the two children were pulling the woman in two directions at once, and the movement quickly became so fast that Subaru had to rub his forehead to stave off dizziness.

“But let me tell you ’bout one thing—”

“I know—”

“Everybody’s got a seed to sow!”

She went still, suddenly, with the first note of the chorus, and the children quickly and quietly exited.  Standing in the center of the stage, disheveled and tired, yet still singing with miraculous beauty and strength, the woman suddenly radiated power and authority.  It gave credence to her words.

“Let your heart of hearts—”

“Take you down the road.”

“Everybody’s got a seed to sow.”

Once again, the palms of her hands rested upon her chest.  This time, though, when she threw her arms up into the air, thousands of bits of red, orange, and gold flew up into the air with them in an explosion of sparkling color.  Subaru gasped as a the audience swept him up in a sea of applause that rose with the woman’s crescendo of her last triumphant note and continued long after the final piece of confetti had fallen from the sunlit air and onto the ground.

***

“My house is at the end of this street,” she informed Subaru.  “I’ve lived here all my life.”

Her name was Donna.  Subaru had stopped her after her magnificent performance on the green and asked her about the song that she had sung.  She had laughed delightedly at his interest in the song, smiled sweetly and compassionately when he told her that he was a Japanese person learning about New Jersey alone, and offered to tell him more over a home-cooked lasagna dinner.  Subaru, charmed and disarmed by her exuberant manner that so reminded him of his sister, agreed.

They had been walking for almost twenty minutes now and long left the commercial hub of Morristown with its tall buildings of chrome and glass, Donna carrying one of Subaru’s bags.  Just outside the city were beautiful residential areas sporting quiet, narrow streets and houses that were all over one-hundred years old and some more than twice that. 

Donna’s house was small and simple, set back from the rest of the neighborhood on the border of an old forest.  Its most remarkable feature was the large tree standing with stately grace in front, its twisted, bare branches starkly beautiful in the soft evening light.  On one of its branches closest to the ground, a single white flower bloomed on the branch of the tree.  Intrigued, Subaru wandered up to the bloom.

“What…what a beautiful blossom this is!”  Subaru gasped in amazement as he examined the flower and brushed his fingertips hesitantly against it, his luminous emerald eyes alighting in wonder.

“Donna smiled slightly at the boy’s reaction.  “You like it, then?”

“Oh!  Yes!  I’ve never seen anything like it!”  

“No, I suppose you haven’t,” she remarked gently.  “This is a dogwood tree, a tree native only to this part of the world; it’s New Jersey’s state tree.  I guess you wouldn’t have many of these in Japan.”

Quietly, Donna stepped closer to the dogwood tree and rested her hand upon its rough bark.  Her demeanor had changed, suddenly, becoming quiet, sad.  She gazed down at the roots of the tree at her feet and murmured softly, almost to herself, “There aren’t even that many left in New Jersey.  About fifteen years ago, the trees all started to die…one by one.  They had become infected with some sort of deadly fungus that spread through the air on the wind, like wildfire, from tree to tree.  Even now, if the trees are planted too close, one’s death will signal the slow decline of the others, in turn.  Once, this forest was filled with the most lovely sea of white in the springtime.”  Her eyes lifted wistfully, and, with her other hand, Donna gestured to vast forest behind the house, a forest yet brown and bare of any flowers.  “Now, only this tree remains, the only reminder to us that dogwoods once grew wild here without human care and protection…and even this last one is dying.  This spring will be the last time it blooms, I think.”

Subaru turned to stare at Donna in shock.  “I…I can’t imagine such a horrible thing.  My native country has a similar blooming tree.  It’s called _sakura_ in Japanese, and, it, like this dogwood tree, is the symbol of many people.  If the _sakura_ were all to die, our very souls would die with them!”  Reaching up carefully with two gloved hands, Subaru cupped the lone blossom clinging defiantly to a tree so desperately eager to die and end its suffering.  “You must protect this blossom, Donna-san.”

Stepping closer to Subaru, Donna shook her head sadly.  “Some things are past saving,” she whispered, the faintest touch of bitterness creeping into her voice.

Reaching up, she cupped her own hands around Subaru’s and plucked the single, pure white blossom and let it fall into his palms.  Then, with the utmost formality and respect, she guided Subaru’s hands to his breast.

“What—”

Donna shushed the boy.  “Some things are past saving,” Donna repeated with grieving emphasis.  Could this possibly be the same woman who had only minutes earlier smiled with such luminous, golden light?  “Therefore, I want you to have this blossom.  Perhaps you can offer it to the _sakura_ , and they will teach its spirit the right way to live.”

Subaru’s eyes widened.  “I…I will.”

Donna nodded but said nothing more.  Then, unexpectedly, she allowed herself to fall forward against the trunk of the tree, pressing her cheek wildly against the bark.  The tree did not collapse under her weight but supported and cradled her as a mother might a favored child.  Though he could not hear her sobs, Subaru could see the tears that fell into the groove of the bark and disappeared as if they never were.

Yet, the dogwood blossom seemed so healthy and strong in Subaru’s hands.  It was large, and it spanned a diameter longer than twice Subaru’s own palm.  Its snowy petals were thick and satiny, even to his muted sense of touch.  At the center was a lovely shade of honey-gold bled into emerald green.  This dogwood blossom seemed so much heartier than the delicate cherry blossoms that he had known all his life. 

_How could they be dying?_

Yet, Subaru well knew, looks could be quite deceiving.

This blossom was special, indeed.  He tucked it carefully into his jacket pocket.

Hesitantly, Subaru stepped up to Donna and placed a gentle hand upon her shoulder.  “Donna-san.  Please, don’t cry.  There’s no reason for you to be so upset.  Surely the dogwoods will grow back in time.”  Donna’s tearstained face lifted slowly, and Subaru smiled encouragingly into her soft hazel eyes.

Donna shook her head slowly.  “No, without those blossoms there can be no seeds, and, thus, no new trees.  Yet…” Donna turned away to gaze up into the bare branches of the dogwood tree, “If only it were just the trees that cannot be saved…”

“I don’t understand…” Subaru murmured, confused.

Softly, so that it was almost a breath that Subaru didn’t hear, Donna whispered, “I speak of myself, also.”  Her body began to shudder violently with repressed and invisible sobs.  Only with his hand upon her shoulder did Subaru know the extent of her distress.

Subaru felt his brows contract in worry.  She was in terrible pain.  “Please, tell me,” he urged the beautiful woman.  “It will hurt less, certainly, if you tell someone.”

“Oh,” cried the beautiful woman in deep distress.  “How do I begin?  How can I dare to share my pain?”

“I—”

“No, don’t speak.  I’ll tell you if you wish to know so badly.  There are few enough people in this world who will truly hear my troubles.  I should take the opportunities as they come.” Donna smiled bitterly, wiping her tears away carelessly.

Slowly, Donna stepped away from Subaru and turned to face him.  Carefully, she allowed her hands to rest upon her stomach.  Without a word, she began to untie the laces of her vest.  Grimacing, she allowed the soft cotton to fall to her sides and quickly lowered the open neckline of her chemise to reveal the flat, smooth planes of her stomach.  With a softly rounded fingernail, she pointed to a place on her stomach, slightly to the left of her navel.

“Look,” Donna commanded in a tone that expected obedience.

Subaru leaned forward hesitantly, feeling slightly embarrassed by the elder woman’s state of undress.  “I don’t see…”

“Look closer,” Donna insisted and shifted slightly to give him a better view.

“I still…no…wait.”  The skin had looked unblemished and perfect, but, when Donna had repositioned herself, the light had changed, and Subaru could see the slightest white indentation marring the lightly-tanned skin.  An old, old scar.

Slowly, Donna rearranged and retied her garments.  “That was the exit point.  The entry point is on my back, but I don’t think your really need to see it to understand what I’m telling you.  I got it when I was seven years old,” she stated, her eyes focusing intently upon the brown, criss-crossed ties.  “When I jumped out my window and tried to kill myself.”

Subaru’s eyes widened in mingled shock and horror.  _Surely not!  When she sang, her voice was jubilant, full of joy!  The song was a song of life well-lived, not of a desire for death…_

“Donna-san _…_ ”

Donna continued as if she had not heard Subaru whisper her name.  Her eyes were cold, and the tears were frozen within before they fell.  “I think I loved my mother more than anyone else in the world.  I can still remember the color of her eyes…the burnished gold and mahogany of a piece of vintage antique furniture.  Her hair was the color of sunlight and moonlight mingled impossibly together.  Her voice was more beautiful than the chiming of a thousand silver bells and sweeter than the dulcet tones of a wooden flute.  She used to sing to me every night, and I would gaze up into her face until my eyes finally closed in sleep.  She never hit me.  She never yelled at me.  She was like an angel come down from earth.  A golden woman with pure white skin.  All she lacked was feathered wings.

“Certainly, she didn’t deserve the life that she lived.  No one deserves my father.  No.  I wouldn’t wish him upon anyone.  Surely, when they first met, he must have seemed like a dream come true.  Healthy, swarthy skin, brown hair with red highlights, depthless black eyes.  I know my mother was swept off of her feet; she was too innocent to see the warning signs. 

“About a year after their marriage, I think, my father began to drink.  He drank so that he would have the courage to beat my mother.  She was able to hide the bruises very well, but I still remember her screams at night.  Her eight children, myself included, suffered the same treatment.  Still, all of the scars that I received have faded over the years.  They are not what eat me from the inside out.

“There came a point past which my mother could not stand it, anymore.  I think the breaking point was seeing my father hit my youngest sister, Bambi, for the very first time.  Bambi was less than a year old, then.”  Donna paused, her face darkening in remembered anger and pain.

Seeing Donna’s distress, Subaru grasped her hand and squeezed it, gently.  “There is no reason why you must continue to tell me this story, Donna-san.  If it hurts too much, there is no reason to live it again.”

Donna shook her head and carefully removed her hand from Subaru’s.  “No, it must be told.  There are very few people that still remember this story, and I’ve never told it to anyone.  No, it must be said.”  Slowly, she stepped back until her body rested once again against the trunk of the dogwood tree.

“My mother couldn’t stand it anymore.  So, she left us…but, she took Bambi with her.”  Donna’s voice trembled slightly and then firmed.

“But she made some warning…left some notice…?!”  Subaru felt his stomach twist in dismay.

“No, nothing.  No notice.  No warning at all.  And, the last time I ever saw her was when I was six years old.  Never since then.  Not even after a five-year search that Susan and Rich led a decade ago.” Donna placed the palm of her hand over her eyes, but that did not stop the tears that rolled silently down out from behind it.

Slowly, Donna sank to her knees at the foot of the dogwood tree.  “I guess I took it pretty badly,” she chuckled self-deprecatingly, a sound so harsh behind the veil of her hand.  “I jumped out of my bedroom window in the hopes that I would break my neck.  It didn’t work; the dogwood tree that grew near the side of the house broke my fall.  The tree saved my life.  Perhaps you can understand better the love-hate relationship that I nurture with these trees.  That dogwood saved my life, but I didn’t live.

“They put me in an institution; my father couldn’t deal with me in his state, and I had people ‘round the clock trying to figure out what was wrong with poor Donna Catherine Massa.  I remember lying in bed crying every night for more than six years.  I hated my mother for leaving me, for choosing another over me.  I had always believed that it should be a parent’s prerogative to protect her children, no matter what the cost to herself.  The mother is supposed to defend her children against sorrow, not cause it.  In time, I started to hate the world that could create a woman that would betray her own daughter.  In the end, I hated myself for being unworthy of her.”

“Oh, Donna-san…” Subaru murmured, kneeling before her.  He could feel his heart twisting in compassion and shared sorrow.  Gently, the young Sumeragi took her hands, damp with tears, into his own, a comforting presence to stave off her mind-numbing grief.

The woman ignored his heartfelt condolences and continued her story heedlessly.  “Still, it is said that time heals the deepest of wounds.  In time, the wounds that had once been open and festering gashes upon my soul faded to mere scars…much like the one on my stomach.  I began to smile again.  I laughed.  I found a fulfilling job as a music teacher at the middle school.  I even got married to a man who loved me more than the world itself.  Life was beautiful.  _I_ was beautiful, or so my co-workers all insisted to me.  I thought I could forget my past.

“And, then, _she_ came.  I cannot blame her for her mere existence, though, at the time, I tried very hard to.  I knew Lee loved her; after all, everyone did.  Still, I was shocked when Lee offered to adopt the girl after her parents died so tragically.  And angry.  I had not known such fury since the day that my mother left the house, never to return.  I didn’t want a daughter.  I had never wanted a daughter.  And, all of a sudden, I had one…one that wasn’t even my own flesh and blood.

“Miriam loved me.  I think that was the worst part about it all.  She _worshipped_ me, would have given me anything had I but asked.  I, who didn’t deserve her love.  I couldn’t love her back.  I just _couldn’t_!  Do you understand?  It was like living the nightmare all over again, only I was the cause of the suffering!  I saw myself in my mother’s shoes.  I saw myself reenacting with Miriam the self-same horror that I had suffered all those years ago!  I saw myself hurting a child who did not deserve such pain!”  Donna’s hands gripped Subaru’s painfully.

“So, I couldn’t love her…but I couldn’t hate her, either.  She didn’t deserve my hatred.  No, I reserved such strong positive and negative emotions only for my long-lost mother.  Still, Miriam sensed my indifference.  She spent years trying to open up my heart.  She gave me lavish gifts that she had crafted herself.  She dedicated herself to the music that was so important to me.  She spoke long hours with my husband, trying to figure out how to make me happy.  She was at my beck and call.  But, still, I couldn’t love her.

“In time, she began to realized what was missing from her life.  She gave, poured out the contents of her soul to me, but I never gave her anything in return except my own studied indifference.  I was coolly friendly; that was all.  To her gifts, I smiled and occasionally offered a casual embrace.  I never spoke willingly to her about any topic that was truly important.  I never accepted any of her offers of aid and assistance.  I treated her dedication to music as if it were natural and not something to be praised.”  The woman wretched her hands from Subaru’s and stared at the soil and stain that only she could see in utter disgust and hatred.

“It wasn’t enough, of course.  Never enough.  I really wasn’t surprised that Miriam ran away.  Lee was angry, of course.”  Donna laughed, a harsh, grating sound so different from the sweet, soothing music that Subaru had known of her earlier.  “He yelled, screamed.  ‘How could you, Donna?!  That girl loved you, and you drove her away!  Are you _that_ sick in the head?  Now, Miriam’s on the streets somewhere, barely thirteen.  What is she going to do?  How is she going to live?  She had a future, and she threw it away because you hate her!  Don’t you care?  Don’t you feel anything at all?  How _could_ you?!’  Things like that, over and over again.  He even hit me, once.  I think that did it.  I was reliving my past with Lee in the role of my father.  I thought I would go crazy all over again.

“So, I left him.  It was the only thing that I could do.”  Donna lapsed into silence, wrapping her arms convulsively around her waist as if she were cold.  Her eyes were glazed with what seemed like intense pain.

Finally, she gritted out through clenched teeth, “I watched my life fall apart all over again…and I didn’t lift a finger to stop it.

“I was…I was afraid of the bad seed.  Do you understand?  I knew that, if I opened my heart even a little, light and air would enter and that seed would grow, the same seed that had flourished in the bitter field that was my mother.  I would try to grow, try to change, but this awful inheritance of blood and betrayal would follow me no matter how hard I tried to abandon it.”  Subaru could see the fey woman digging her fingers into the ground, sliding them beneath the rough roots of the dogwood tree and pulling up, as if she wished to uproot the tree with her bare hands. 

“I’m still afraid.  I think I’ll always be afraid.  When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a reflection of myself.  I see _her_.  We have the same eyes, you know…the same face, the same smile…She is I.  I am she.  So, I turn inward an allow myself to die from the inside out.”

“No,” Subaru whispered.

Donna ignored him, and, in her voice, Subaru detected a hint of rising madness.  “Strange, isn’t it?  I’ve been so afraid of allowing myself to truly live that I kill myself.  I don’t have to jump out another window; I’ve been doing just fine, just fine, thank you, on my own…

“ _No_ ,” Subaru cried out emphatically.  “ _No!_ ” He grabbed her shoulders and held them firmly.  “No.  You have let the bad seed take root in your heart.  You need not be like this dogwood.  You are not the product of a single, bad seed, a single, painful experience.  Your heart holds a multitude of seeds, and you must choose the ones that you wish to cultivate.  You said it yourself.  _Everybody’s got a seed to sow_.  You, too, have a role to play in life.  I don’t know if it lies with Miriam.  I only know that you must choose it yourself and that you shouldn’t believe yourself to be forced to cultivate the same foulness that your mother seeded during your childhood.  You have to learn to carry on without fear, without rancor, without sorrow.  You owe that to yourself.”

“But…I…I…”  Donna’s lower lip trembled.

“I know it is hard.  It takes much courage.”

“I’ve been loved also,” Taking a deep breath, Subaru spoke slowly.  He heard Gloria’s voice.  _Flowers will always bloom…WHERE THERE IS LIGHT AND AIR.  That is what she had meant to say._   Subaru’s voice increased in speed, earnestly.  “And, it was a love that I rejected because I was afraid of it.  I was afraid of what other people would think of me.  I was afraid of what I would become if I acknowledged this love.  So I buried my feelings deep inside.

“And, then, I was the cause of much pain for this person.  Because of me, he may become permanently blind.  It is very hard for blind people in Japan.  They are ostracized and treated unfairly.  Yet, here, in the United States, blind people are accommodated.  The law protects them from mistreatment.  This country knows what it means to be faithful and fair to all of its citizens, no matter the circumstances.  Here, blind people need not wallow in their disability; they have the opportunity to sow the seeds that please them most.  All they have to do is take that freedom and make it theirs.”

Donna sighed bitterly.  “You think so, huh?  So much confidence in one so young…”

Subaru would not be interrupted.  “Donna-san, I came here to learn what it means to faithful and fair to this person that I hurt and to not run away from him.  To not allow a single incident to color the experiences of all that life I might live with him in the future.  I know now that love, where it is found, must always be returned.   Fear and pain in response to love can only breed more fear and more pain.  Like that pestilence that spread from one tree to the next until everything good and beautiful is either dead or dying.  We, of all people, should know that.”

Gazing earnestly into the woman’s golden eyes, Subaru continued, “All people, no matter their circumstances, no matter their past lives and deeds, deserve human warmth and compassion.  The touch of a caring hand.  The warmth of companionship.  And, most importantly, we need to respect ourselves as individuals…for out of that respect will come understanding, friendship, and love. 

“Yes.  To love and to be loved.  Those are the most important things in this world.  How would we have the courage to go on living without them?  What in this world is certain?  So many things happen each day to wither the spirit.  Death.  Decay.  Despair.  Madness.  Maiming.  What else is there if two people in need are not true to each other?

“Nothing, or course.  Nothing at all.”

Carefully, Subaru grasped Donna’s hands once more, lifting them from the dark soil of the ground.  “Therefore, cultivate seeds of love, Donna-san.  They’ve always been there.  They were borne on the winds that were Miriam and Lee, into the sweet loam of your heart.  They’ve been dormant all this time, asleep while you suffered because they could not grow in those conditions.  I think it is time to show them light and air.”  He turned her palm upward so that the dogwood blossom rested in both of their hands at once.  “I’m going to show him this flower.  It is a symbol of the willingness to accept love and to love back.  I want him to know what I’ve learned.”

Subaru leaned back upon his heels and stood up, drawing Donna to her feet with him.  Smiling, Subaru released her hands, removed his hat, and bowed deeply.  “Thank you, Donna-san.  I’ve finally found what I was looking for, here.” 

Then, gently, Subaru pressed his lips to Donna’s cheek in a quick and tender kiss.  He blushed slightly; even after his own resolution, shows of affection embarrassed him.  Cupping the sides of her face with his gloved hands, he whispered, “Promise me.  Promise me that the seeds you grow in your heart will blossom into beautiful flowers.  Promise me.”

Unable to escape, Donna nodded helplessly.

***

Subaru spent three days with Donna in her small, two-story colonial home.  Much of it was spent in earnest talk that continued from the early hours of the morning to long hours at night.  At times they took walks outside around the neighborhood, and Donna showed Subaru the local public school where she worked.  They considered politics, society, cultural trends and presumptions, but most of all, they talked long about love and friendship. 

On the fourth day, Donna drove Subaru back to the airport.  Subaru was nearly certain that he was returning on the same roads that he had came, and when he saw the cookie factory again, he was sure.  However, it was no longer abandoned as it had been only a few days ago.  This time, there was a construction crew surveying the footprint of the original building.  Subaru felt an inner warmth that burst forth from his heart and spread across his face in a sunny smile.  The smile lasted the rest of the trip.

By the time that the two had arrived at Newark Airport, there was little left to say.  Shifting a bit awkwardly from foot to foot, Donna regarded Subaru’s small suitcase questioned for the third time, “Do you have everything?”

Subaru nodded.  “Yes.”  Without saying a word, he patted the breast pocket of his jacket.

Donna understood.  “I’m so glad.  I…” she whispered.  Decisively, she stepped forward and embraced Subaru again.  “Thank you so much,” she said, her voice wavering a bit.

“No, thank you.”  Subaru bowed deeply.

“I won’t forget anything, I promise,” Donna shouted to Subaru as at last they parted when he left to board the plane.  “Even if we never meet again.”  They never did.

***

Grinning into the hot pink plastic of her telephone, Hokuto parried with a sharp verbal thrust.  “I don’t think so.  Only if one denies the sanctity of life on this plane of existence is the serpent evil.  No, but it might be argued that the act of eating the forbidden fruit _began_ life.  After all, what would life be without death?  Nothing.  Just a state of limbo that wouldn’t even have a name.  We understand the importance of life though the inevitability and contrast of death.  No, no.  Don’t contradict me.  That is why the fruit gave knowledge.  What knowledge can we have of our own existence if we don’t even recognize that very existence?  None.  The forbidden fruit symbolizes knowledge and wisdom _within the frame of life_ , so—”  Hokuto’s head snapped around at the sound of the door opening.

“Sister, I’m home.”

“Oh, Subaru!”  Hokuto turned back to the phone hurriedly.  “Listen, Kei-chan, we’re going to be discussing it again in class tomorrow so we can argue about it then, okay?  My brother just got home; I have to go.  Okay.  Yeah.  I won’t forget.  You too.  Take care!”

Hokuto turned to face her brother.  Seeing the pensive, serious look on his face, she murmured tenderly to him, resting a hand upon his shoulder, “Did you find what you were looking for?”

Subaru was silent for a moment.  Finally, he emerged from his self-reflection and said simply, “Yes.  Yes, I did.”

“Do you think you’re ready to go talk to Sei-chan, now?”

“I…Yes.”

“I’m so glad.” Hokuto embraced her brother happily.

Then, with a mischievous glint in her eye, Hokuto released her brother and started maneuvering him into a nearby chair.  “Wait here,” she commanded.  “I want to show you my new apple tree dress!”

***

Closing his eyes momentarily, Subaru allowed his one empty hand to rest upon the hospital door.  He was afraid, terribly afraid.  Seishiro had every right to reject him after all of the pain Subaru had inadvertently caused him.  The seeds that Subaru has mistakenly planted may yet give rise to bitter fruit…even though Seishiro had, in all appearances, forgiven him completely.

_“Let your heart of hearts—”_

_“Take you down the road.”_

_“Everybody’s got a seed to sow.”_

No, Donna’s song had been right.  It might well have been directed solely at him.  He had planted these dark seeds, true, but he had planted others in his own heart.  Seeds of friendship.  Seeds of love.  These were the ones that he wanted to nurture and to watch grow.  These he wanted to see flower into blooms as beautiful as the _sakura_ , as beautiful as the dogwood blossom that he held now in his palm…brought halfway across the world to share with Seishiro.  Yes, these were the ones that he had to share with Seishiro.  These seeds must not be allowed to decay and die.

Allowing his clear emerald eyes to open, slowly, Subaru wrapped his gloved fingers more tightly around the leafy dogwood blossom.  He had accomplished all and more that he had desired in New Jersey.  His face set with determination, Subaru pushed open the door.

He was more than ready to nurture this new growth.  At last, love would flourish in Subaru’s heart.

_No matter what.  I love you, Seishiro-san._

***

Two women stood face-to-face in the center of a grove of trees in springtime. A hundred or more wild dogwood trees surrounded them in this natural bower, in full spring bloom, all no more than ten years old.  They had begun to grow again the year the last tree died…the year Subaru spoke to Donna of living.

“Miriam…”

The younger girl acknowledged the call and stepped closer to the one that had summoned her, her face closed and wary.  “I didn’t come here to listen to your excuses,” the woman cautioned, her voice the frigid tones of a person who has been badly, terribly betrayed in all things.  “We’ve done this before, and I—”  Her words were abruptly silenced as Donna reached out to touch her.

Donna closed her eyes to the sea of white that filled her vision with its miraculous, pure brightness and gently cupped Miriam’s face in her hands.  “I love you, my dearest child.  Finally, I can tell you with a clear mind and an honest, open heart,” she crooned softly and pressed her lips gently to the forehead of the child that she had once, long ago, spurned.

Miriam pulled back from Donna’s kiss in shock.  “How…Why…What…Who…” she stuttered, gazing into the older woman’s placid and tender expression.

“Shh.  No words, now,” Donna murmured and embraced the other woman. 

“But, I…”  Miriam’s voice trembled as violently as a leaf caught in a summer storm wind.  Then, as Donna’s embrace did not waver, the stiffness in her back dissolved abruptly.  “Oh, Mother, Mother…” she whimpered brokenly, burrowing herself desperately against the other woman and pressing her cheek against Donna’s shoulders.  She had been starved too long for love; her heart was ravenous, and happy tears began to fall from her lashes as if they would never stop.

They stood locked together for a long time, yet, when they finally broke the embrace, they stood in that quiet grove, together, face to face, in utter silence for a long time after.

Then, stooping down carefully, unwilling to disturb the peaceful grove surrounding her, Donna gently cupped a single, fallen white blossom in the palms of her hands and lifted it up, holding it out before her in a conscious imitation of the boy that had come from so far away ten years ago.  An offering to the young woman that she could now call her daughter.  Tilting her head slightly back, she inhaled the almost imperceptible, leafy perfume of the petals and did not bother to brush away the tears of joy and gratitude that rolled down the sides of her face.

As her own tear-filled eyes met Miriam’s, she knew.

_Once-dormant seeds have begun to flower._

 

END

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Comments: Manga series _Tokyo Babylon_ and characters Subaru, Hokuto, and Seishiro belong to CLAMP and their affiliates. Definitions for “flower” were taken from _Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary_. “Seed to Sow” is copyrighted by Michael W. Smith/O’Ryan Music Inc./Emily Boothe, Inc. A more detailed explanation of Hokuto’s “phone philosophy” may be found in _The Power of Myth_ by Joseph Campbell. Newark, Newark Airport, Route 78, Morristown, and the Seeing-Eye are all real places in New Jersey. The remaining characters and situations are of my own creation.
> 
> Those who wish to learn more about the Seeing Eye should refer to their website:  
> http://www.seeingeye.org


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